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The Question You Should be Asking at Holiday Parties

By Christy Uffelman

‘Tis the season for holiday parties and the dreaded “What do you do?” conversation-starter question.  I was at one such party this past weekend.  I decided not to follow this “expected” flow of conversation and I literally left a random stranger speechless.

I was introduced to a lovely mid-career woman with a white blouse and bangles who looked a lot like me.  Let’s call her Melissa.  She was a little frazzled around the edges, juggling her purse, her wrap and a drink all while trying to eat a little something healthy in the midst of not-so-healthy food options.  Like me, Melissa was preoccupied trying to find a spot to sit because obviously her shoes were killing her.

The hostess introduced us and immediately became distracted with another guest.  Before Melissa could ask me the “expected question”, I usurped her.

“So”, I said cheerfully, “What do you do for fun?”

She started to tell me about her job, and I gently interrupted and repeated myself.

“That’s lovely. But what do you do for fun?”

She stood there a minute, and finally said “I honestly do not know how to answer that.”

Neither do I.

We ended up having an incredibly meaningful conversation about how the whirlwind of our lives gets in the way of fun – and more importantly, how we actively make that choice.  We talked about how Melissa had no idea what was “fun” to her anymore.

As we connected, a man walked over to join our inspired debate. With a smile, I asked him my question.

“Hi – what do you do for fun?”

He didn’t miss a beat. He rattled off golf, tennis, walking with his dog, and going to dinner with his wife.  The tired woman beside me stared, dumbfounded.

After he walked away we talked about this difference between the genders and how the men in our lives still made time for fun. I confessed that until this past March, I hadn’t had a hobby in 18 years.  18 YEARS.

“How does that happen?” I wondered aloud.

“Work” Melissa answered.  Marriage. Kids. Responsibilities.

And it is true – but guess what – my husband has those same responsibilities.  And as resentful as it makes me sometimes, he makes different choices.

Every month, every week, every day – despite the undertows I feel of being a mom, a partner, a business owner, a girlfriend, a daughter, a boss, a neighbor – I make choices.  Choices in how I spend my time.  And sometimes, I get wrapped up in my “crazy busy life”.  You know, the one where someone says “hi – how are you?”  And you respond, “Crazy busy.”

I am trying to be more intentional in my choices, starting in small ways like not checking email in the first 20 minutes of my day. Like enjoying a cup of tea and chatting on the phone with a girlfriend instead of drinking it mindlessly while working on a spreadsheet. Like choosing to work out (like my husband). Like finding (and committing time every single week) to a hobby I enjoy. Not because it helps me be more competent at work. Not because it helps me network. Not because it helps me give back to the community.

But because it is fun.

When was the last time you had fun?  Pure fun that didn’t involve you doing something for someone else.  Not volunteering, not having quality time with your kids or partner, not an obligatory lunch with your mom or the girlfriend who has been hounding you for some 1:1 time – but enjoyment just for you.

When was the last time you were so engrossed in something that you lost track of time?

What was it about that experience that brought you joy?

Now THERE’s a question I’m interested in hearing.  That’s a meaningful conversation in the midst of the holiday cocktail/networking prattle.

Can you answer it?

Read more posts by Christy Uffelman